| but at my back i always hear... |
[Dec. 23rd, 2005|11:46 am] |
whoa. things spiral in and out. moving and changing and breaking apart and forming back together. always beautiful, this kaleidoscopic life. i feel like it's so important to catch and affect what you can when you can, because it might not come back around again.
dreams
feelings
hopes
fears
food...yeah, i said it.
smells
sounds
feelings
feelings
moments
they are all so precious. |
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| are pictures superfluous? |
[Dec. 14th, 2005|11:12 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | i heart jet noise | ] |
sometimes i think yes, sometimes no. i bought a camera for thanksgiving and didn't really use it. my mommy says i'm bad at taking pictures because i'm always trying to be in the thick of the action. she might have something there.
me and robert's one year anniversary is coming up. it's weird. i've never had an anniversary before.
here's something i wrote. it's not about robert or anniversaries. tell me what you think.
jealousy
feeds
on insecurities
like weeds
green ivy ire
asphyxiating
the flowers of
my love
and i want it to
live and flourish
but these
fears
refuse to perish
and they cut off the
life feed that
makes the petals gleam
and it's not
just this
that kills them
though it surely
is a start
and i cannot say
truthfully
that i did not
do my part
but
i thought i caught the rot
in time
i thought it could be
stopped
but now i'm finding
more and more
of these
dessicated spots
and these waterpots
have fallen
making mud of dirt-filled lots
and i want to live and flourish
but these tears refuse to perish
and the cut-off dying feelings
will surely make me not. |
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| germinating seeds |
[Nov. 15th, 2005|12:27 pm] |
is what i feel made up of right now. i know i'm really, really starting upon a path that is going to change my life. all things do, of course, but this is gonna be radical. putting in the little mundane bullshit work , building a foundation...i am going to be enrolled in school for summer semester 2006. i am so wonderfully excited about school. i feel so much more equipped to learn and do well at university at the age of 26 than i did at the age of 17. for reasons so obvious i'm not going to name them. it is nice to know that i'm not going to school because i need a degree to make more money or be happy. i'm intrigued by the idea of being ina formal learning environment and honing my mind. i know that university is not the only place to make that happen, but i'm honest enough to know that it will make it waayyy easier for me.
i start my new job today. i'm pretty excited. the money should be better. i'll be glad to get my finances straight and start anew. and i really really think robert's going to come to portland. to think that we will be starting a life together is so awesome and scary and seems so right to me somehow. although if he decides not to go, that will be just as right. |
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| smoke and mirrors |
[Nov. 10th, 2005|01:23 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drained | ] |
that's what i feel this job is like. they said there was money to be made here. and there probably is. but there has been very little business. i waited on 3 tables tonite. i made 60 dollars. which isn't bad for three tables. but three table in a 6 hr nite is NEVER GOING TO WORK. i'm trying to get a job at this other place. it's not fanct or expensive, but it's generally pretty busy. which i need. my forwarded mail is finally beginning to reach me from new orleans. i'm almost passing out at the keyboard from weariness. i went running this morning. i am fat and out of shape. i wouldn't care about the fat part if i was healthy. but i'm not. i smoke too many cigarettes and eat too much shitty food. i'm trying to get it together. i tuned my violin today. i need rosin. i love you. |
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| complicated people |
[Nov. 7th, 2005|01:24 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | hope you get what you want | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | disgusted....with myself | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the buzzing of the orangey-yellow street lamps on hampton av | ] |
they're everywhere. they're typing this computer entry right now. sometimes we don't value the things we share with others in the same way that they do. we realize people who we callled our "best friend" because we love the sense of wonder and opportunity and hope that the phrase brings feel that it is childish or passe. or that it has never been true for them. broken people often do the most damage. and i feel like a fucken sucker or a chump or just a silly little girl. but i don't expect people who are falling apart constantly and slowly and excitedly and earnestly to be able to hold anything together. and i don't blame them for it. |
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| the order of the universe |
[Nov. 4th, 2005|11:10 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | vasen | ] |
oh my FUCKING god. i just got back from new orleans. it was amazing and so, so sad. the city wasn't as fucked up as i expected (at least in the sectors in which i hang), and many of my friends are back. there are plenty of jobs, and some housing. my friends saw me and said, "oh shit, i knew you'd be back. i knew you wouldn't just leave." which made it really difficult to come back with, "actually, i'm leaving thursday. and not coming back." i got to spend time with robert which was the best. obviously. upon my arrival there, i promptly lost my journal and my fountain pen. i called the lost and found every day for a week in the hopes that someone would turn it in. no go. i nursed very briefly the hope that someone would find the journal, see the list of numbers in the back, call one of them and say, hey, i have this girl's journal. i then engaged in some pretty bad self talk about what a ridiculous idea that was. so of course, when i got home today and checked my email, there was a letter from my friend tara whose MOTHER had received a call from this dude saying he found my fucking journal. i love this world. i am a believer for the most part, but some times it's easy to give in to despair. and those are the times when this kind of shit happens. i love you all. |
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| raindrops keep falling on my head |
[Oct. 22nd, 2005|12:30 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | chipper | ] |
| [ | music |
| | traffic from hampton blvd | ] |
i really like that song. no shit. it's sweet. i got a job! at this sweet ass fancy italian place where the food fucking rocks and they make good money. i love it. i'm staying with my friends sam and carrie and lucifer. lu is a wicked smart, fun, outgoing, beautiful almost-two year old. she gets me alot. she likes to break out my strappy high heels, put them on , and walk around. she says, "cute shoes!" me and carrie talk alot about everything and nothing. and giggle. sam works alot which kinda sucks. umm...i don't think i have anything else.
oh snap. i lied. so, it seems like some people haven't seen purple rain. and it also seems like people try to front on prince in general, and that movie in particular. fronting on prince(that phrase looks weak) is not even worth talking about. if you don't get that, sorry fuh ya! but purple rain...this is what we have to remember, people. he was fucking serious. not joking. the dialogue is not really inspired, the acting is mediocre at best (and yes, many of these people are playing approximations of themselves). BUT. the emotion and sentiment (best displayed through music) is not contrived. he's dead-up. |
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| am i ridiculous? |
[Oct. 18th, 2005|01:41 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | hopeful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | theme music from "everyday italian" on food network | ] |
the answer is yes. but so are you. and so is everything else. i'm going back to new orleans. i'll be there for halloween. i wonder if there will be parties? i wonder if i will go? can you really say good-bye to a place? does that make it final in a way that nothing really is? robert has a shit-ton of food in his apartment for us to cook. the sweetest thing wal-mart ever did was turn on the generators, throw open the doors, and tell us to come get what we wanted. it changed the way i viewed wal-mart. at least for the length of time it to load up a shopping cart with food. and a few other necessities.
i couldn't get re-hired at geico, a company i worked for 3 years ago, because they do a hair sample drug test-which has a 3 month detection period. and i am a stoner. it's funny, i was totally willing to quit for the time it takes to pass a urine test. a sacrifice, but one i judged worth it.
my love of the bud allowed me to go to work, be pleasant, energetic, and conscientious about customer service, and work for 12 hour days with nary a complaint. why would they want me to stop?
i am living with my parents and really enjoying them. my mom is totally hilarious. she's the one who taught me about fun. one of her favorite things to do is to stay up realll late, late enough that she's punchy from lack of sleep, eat ice cream, drink tea, and get weak. my dad is super-sweet. he's always asking if i need money and talking about faith and the way of the world to me.
i write this, and i wonder. who cares about my little daily feelings enough to read them? am i that interesting?
oh, snap. i heard kate bush is coming out with a 2 disc cd. i think the most inspirational cd i've heard is hounds of love. that shit fucked me up. i played it constantly.
i was spending the night at this guy tom's house one time and my girl yolanda had come to pick up my car to use it. i gave her the keys and went to lay back down. all of a sudden, i rushed to the door, flung it open, and ran outside with a just a very short tshirt and orange panties that were waayyy too small on. i'm waving my hands and screaming, "wait, wait". she rolls down the window and i pant, "my...kate bush...cd......i need it." she hands it to me and says, "looks like you got enough kate bush to me."
weak |
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| creature of habit |
[Oct. 17th, 2005|12:17 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | morose | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the whirring of the fan blades | ] |
for the past three years i've been living a largely nocturnal lifestyle. this means that my energy bursts often come between midnite and 3 am. which is silly, because i have nothing to do right now between those hours except drive myself crazy with my "plans of attacks". these are ideas of what route to take to accomplish what i want. they're in my head almost in an outline form-there's a, a)1, b, c, c)1, etc...
many of them will be rendered useless by circumstance. most of the rest will meet the same fate through the superior desirability of their cohorts.
sad |
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